ponzu.

Reading Back

Reading back on old posts, i really see the growth i've gone through in the past year.

Guys, I don't even recognize the person I was when I first started this blog. 

It's difficult to put into words the amount of mud I had to trudge through to get to this point, and its been strange trying to come into this new being. 

I think its about time to revamp this blog, and try to find a good creative outlet for myself.

I am here as a creative outlet for you all as well, and I hope with more frequent posting his blog can become a daily part of your lives. 

Thanks guys,

Mitsuki

Public PSA

Don't invalidate me. Don't invalidate us. 
We are not you, you are not us.
I am not you, you are not me.

When I tell you I am depressed, do not say you "get depressed sometimes too."
When I tell you I have OCD, don't say "I understand I like to keep my things organized"
When I tell you I have ADHD, don't say, "I think i may have that too"
When I tell you I am having anxiety, don't say, "everybody gets nervous sometimes."

Until you have struggled with intrusive thoughts, crippling panic attacks, psychological tests, and overwhelming sadness, you do not "feel me". If you are not me, you do not "feel me".

When you say something like this to someone who is desperately trying to open up to you, it does not comfort them. It does not make them feel like you support them.
You are trivializing this person's individual struggle, you are invalidating this person's feelings.
You can't say, "I'm super OCD too". You are not.
This is not me saying you are not allowed to empathize, but there is a line between being depressed and feeling depressed.
When I tell you about my struggle with my medications, do not tell me about your own life.
You need to find a place in your mind to just LISTEN. Just let them vent and let yourself feel those words really and truly.
You have no idea how important it is to validate someone's struggles. To let them know that they are struggling, and that this is a real fight.
My fight with depression, self-harming, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and panic attacks is not something I am making up. I wish i was.
These are things that are a part of me, and are like extra limbs on my body.

When someone is telling you they are going through a personal struggle, do NOT make it about yourself.
Make sure people know you are THERE for them, and not just there to talk about yourself.
I have my struggle, and you have your struggle. Neither one is more important, but during certain times learn to realize that trying to put your struggle over someone else's does not make them feel better.

Just some public PSA I wanted to make for National Kindness Week/ National Anti-Violence Week.
Find a way to be support without invalidating someone else. 

National Kindness Week! Start being nice now, and never stop. 

National Kindness Week!

Hello my loves! ^^

So, this week is National Kindness/Anti-Violence Week!
I recently thought back on my experiences with bullying, and how they have made the person I am now.
Heres the short version of it:
In elementary - middle school, I was bullied. Not physically, but it was more a passive type of harassment. I was ostracized, and met with malicious words on social media.
It felt horrible to be surrounded by people who clearly didn't like me, but having to stay with them because I had nowhere else to go. It was a trapped feeling, surrounded by this self-loathing that is manifested through insecurity and letting people hurt you on a daily basis.
I hated going to school in the morning, i hated it every day.
I felt so alone all the time, and my life was so unhappy that I actually started to self-harm and attempted suicide multiple times.
I still have scars on my left wrist, going up and down in lines that seem to be drawn in a color a little darker than my skin.
I cut deeper and deeper each time, hoping something would break and everything would be over.

But after i took some time and got some professional help, which was looked down upon, I turned into a new person. I made friends who cared about me and I found my self-respect.
I surrounded myself with people who made me feel good about my skin, and it may have just been as simple as a little laugh at a joke i tell.
I found i laughed more and more everyday, and I actually had a reason to get up in the morning.
I found a place for me that was full of love and full of happiness.
Those simple little actions made me a different person, and I found the true kellie hiding underneath rubble of my past.
I am happy, I am solid, and I am someone who has made it through so much, with scars still visible.
That version of me that I once felt so deeply, she doesn't exist anymore.

Doing something kind for someone is not difficult. NOT DIFFICULT.
Very simple things can make a person's day, and exercising a careful thought process when you say something to someone can save a life.
We are people. We are a united species who should be the hand to hold us together.
Do something for those around you.
Write a note, send a card, give a hug.

You can do so much as a person to make someone's life easier.
I was so alone for so long, and yet now I find myself a different person. A person with happiness and hope and true love in her life.

So on this National Kindness Week, Lets recognize the humanity of it all, and treat each other with respect.
Kindness goes a long way, guys.
Talk to you guys soon!

Let's Get it Together.

Here is the story of my path to recovery.

A rainy Wednesday. She drove... I watched the drops slide down the window.
This was the day. The day I would find out the name of the monster that was nesting in my head. 

I was diagnosed that day. By a young psychiatrist, who recently started her practice in an office near my home. This was the first time i would be getting an officially name for what I had.

She asked me a few questions and asked me to remember three words; Ball, Chain, Lamp.
Ball. Chain. Lamp.
How do you do in school?
Ball... Chain...
What is life like at home?
Ball.... Cha-..

Please repeat back to me the words I asked you to memorize. 
Bat...

I couldn't remember. My condition had never been put on the spot like that... faced with such bold confrontation.
I laughed nervously as I tried to remember the words, my breathing getting faster and shorter, the adrenaline filing from my belly button to the tip of my nose.
I was in full on panic mode.
From three words I was on the verge of collapsing.

Collapsing in the small, peaceful office that had a dark grey dharma statue, flowing slowly with water.
Collapsing on a rainy Wednesday afternoon in the middle of March.

She noticed the fidgeting of my hands, the twitching of my legs.
She saw my eyes move rapidly, and followed my sight to the patterns in the couch cushions.
It's okay. 
I felt tears fill one of my eyes. Only one.
It is Ball, Chain, Lamp. 
Another Chance! Another Chance!
I repeated the words like a seance in my head. Over and over and over and over.
Over until the three morphed into one word. ballchainlamp
don't you dare forget. Don't. 

Repeat the words back to me. 
BALLCHAINLAMPBALLCHAINLAMPBALLCHAINLAMPBALLCHAINLAMPBALLCHAINLAMP

I said it so loud and with so much force she looked up at me.
There were beads of sweat going down the fide of my forehead. I don't even sweat when I exercise.
She wrote down some things on some paper in a pen color I don't remember.
I looked down and grabbed my lip with my teeth. Bit until it bled, I did. 
After what seemed like years, she looked up once more and I turned my head like I had heard a gunshot.

Would you please call your mother in here please? 

I tried to read her face. Was it bad?
Okay. 

....
My mother sat on the couch next to my chair.
We both were bonded by our panic. Our fear. What was wrong with me.
Your daughter has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 
The words I had heard. Heard in my own head. Now they were coming from someone else's mouth.
I will prescribe Prozac as a daily med. It should help.
should.
should.
might.
should.


Let's remember again. Remember with the part of our brains that does that.
Remember? Do you remember? Do YOU remember?

This was a moment for me that was a mess. Seemingly, everything was in order, not a folder out of place. Not a cabinet un-labeled.
This whole day was me veering off the path and trying to find my way back with a compass pointed in the wrong direction. I could't see which way was North.

should. that word was inked in front of my pupils; it never left my sight.

Trying to deal with the feelings of a label are trying to deal with your favorite author changing the name of her entire series, years after it was published. Harry Potter to British Wizards, for example.
A name I was used to.
It wasn't the OCD.
It wasn't the actual diagnosis.
it wasn't the medication.
It was the label. A label that painted my condition a certain color.
A color I wasn't used to. A brightness my eyes were not adjusted to.
The name. A combination of letters and sounds that let me say and say over again what it was.
O. C. D.
Three letters. Letters that all looked alike, and letters you learn in the first half of preschool.
What sort of condition do you have?
O. C. D.
Three letters that I repeated over and over for months to come. Three letters I used because i couldn't bring myself to say the real name. It was like Beetle Juice. Or Voldemort. Or something. 

It had a name.
I didn't know it before, but now it had a name, and it was demanding I call it just that.
it had a name. A title. A breed.

I let the words sink deeper and deeper into my tan skin until they dyed me a dark grey.
Until the three letters were plastered over every inch of my body, and were written in every language for anyone to see.
I was a billboard. An ad for a brand-name.
It began to define me. It began to be a synonym for my name.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

You say it over and over, not seeing the irony. Never seeing the irony. 
My fingers... my hair... the color of that chair... they were all wrong.
They didn't fit into the pill box I had in my head. My teeth. My tastebuds.
What was it called on Monday?
Tuesday? How about Sunday? Even Sunday?!
There is no weekend for OCD. No holidays, and no vacations.
Not even a coffee break. Not even time to stretch.


... As time passed.
As colors moved by like the cars on the highway,
As my hair grew and my waist thinned,

i learned the way.
I found the way to a new person, a person I had never met before.
Here I was. It was as if I was meeting myself for the first time.
I shook hands with this version of myself, her warm fingers wrapping around mine.
She glowed with a happiness I had never known, a light I had always avoided.
I wrapped myself in her arms, I wrapped my arms around her.
I felt my hands become my hands, and my eyes became one.
I no longer stood parallel. I was.

I was who I had wished to be, who I could have always been.
I was with me, I was with me.
Now I had a hand free to hold, and eyes free to adore them.
Now I had a heart, not weighed down by hot lead, by hot metal.

I finally passed through the mirror and became the sun, and the moon, and the stars.
I found my light, but I also found the dark.

The water rushed through me while the fire burned bright, 
Bright light rushed through me, while the dark stayed light.

I found her. I found her. 
We found each other, each one and the same.


I am thankful for my recovery, my rediscovery of the happiness I once lost.
Stuck in a chasm, climb out of the chasm, spit in the darkness you once inhabited, walk.
Walk. Walk.

I love me. I love me. 

Introducing: Coffee!

Hello my loves!

I am happy to introduce to you all a new member of my lovely family: Coffee!

She is a sweet little puppy who has come to live at my humble abode.

She is a caramel colored Toy Poodle, about 4 months old. (pictured) 

She has a loving personality and is constantly running around, eager to play. 

She sleeps alot, and fits right in with the family. 

I know its a short post, but i hope you all love it anyways. 

She is a lovely new addition, and i hope you all adore her as much as I do. 

Love, 

Krispy 

❤

What I Bought Today :)

Hello, my dears :) 

So yesterday was the first day of my spring break, so I bought a few things in spirit of it. 

Bought a mere 3 things, but i thought i'd share them anyways.

So basically I just bought a tank top, a Coldplay vinyl, and a photography book. 

(yes so hipster i knoW LET ME LIVE MY LIFE) 

I am most excited about this book. My photography is mediocre at best, and I would love to improve in any way I can.

I will write a blog review on it when I finish it! 

Ok so here is the conversational piece.

I don't particularly believe in the the concept of being, "One of the Boys" honestly I just bought it because it was cute. 

I know it sort of perpetuates the gender binaries, but I bought it entirely for the design of the shirt. :) 

So that's all I bought yesterday. I hope you enjoyed this short little haul post and if you have any questions or inquiries, do not be afraid to ask, my dears! 

Have a great day, 

Kellie c: 

A Slice of Advice: Friendship.

   

Here is my first installation of my series: A Slice of Advice!    

I received this anonymous question on ask.fm, and I will be answering it here.

"i just read your blog post and i could really empathize with it a lot...i'm not hated in my school nor am i an outcast but i don't fit in & always forgotten. i completely realize that their opinions don't matter, but i still can't help but want to be friends...i'm just so lonely. normally this feeling isn't so strong, but recently i feel that my 2 closest friends have been drifting away...i try to stay connected but its hard-with few classes together, i'm at the mercy of her choosing (more often not) to respond to my messages...idk what to do. the hardest part is that i'm scared that I'M the one who made her act this way. now it feels like i am truly alone...i feel like i have no friends who'd understand even if i try to explain. i'm always the 3rd wheel. the one last chosen..sorry for rambling-i just don't know how to deal with my feelings right now."

Hello, my dear. I can see that you are having a lot of difficult emotions, and I totally understand that.
As a student who is in school and has had her own problems with her friend group, I understand how lonely and demeaning it must feel to be in this situation.

It is difficult to feel important and valued when your "friends" don't treat you like you are. I understand this with the utmost empathy.

My advice to you is to take some time to think alone and think of yourself first.
I know you want to fit in, and I know it feels just easier to go with the crowd, but if i've learned anything, it's to have self-respect before anything.
Do not let yourself be demeaned and feel lesser because of these people who's opinions shouldn't matter to you. People who make you feel like shit shouldn't have an opinion on your life.
I don't know if they mean to leave you out, but either way they are.
So take some time, think of how YOU feel, and base your ENTIRE decision off of that.
If your really want to save this friendship, sit them both down and talk to them about how you feel. Don't hold back to save their pride, really get it out. Tell them they cannot keep treating you like this because it makes you feel like crap and that it hurts you.
NOTE: try not to talk about what THEY did. Instead, talk about how YOU feel first. Don't make them feel attacked, because this way they'll feel more open to your words.

If you friends really do value you and had no idea of how they were treating you and how it made you feel, they would make an EFFORT to make you feel better. True friends would never leave your side.
If they don't do anything, then you need to make new friends.
If the friendship between you guys doesn't improve and become a give-and-take of equal amounts, the friendship will become toxic and it won't work out well in the end. Friendships like that ever last.
EVEN if it feels like the end of the world, I have learned that sometimes, letting people go is the best choice for yourself and the quality of your life.
True friends will make you feel good and be honest with you and be true with you.
There is no way a friendship will be healthy if it isn't an equal relationship where everyone is happy and feels valued and important. Almost like a romantic relationship, which works quite similarly.
I always tell people to value themselves first before anything else, because sometimes you hurt way more on the inside then you even realize. Why spend every moment punching yourself in the face when you can walk away from that?
You can't make ANYONE act a certain way. If this girl is acting rude and not responding to you and being passive-aggressive, that isn't someone you want to be friends with! A friendship is filled with love and happiness, and support for each other in a companionship.
The way she is acting is her entire doing. If she chooses to be rude and ignore you, she doesn't deserve your friendship. You don't need friends like that hurting you. I'll be your friend! ^^
it may feel scary leaving those behind that you know, but girl lemme tell you that there are better people in your future.
If they aren't willing to work out the relationship for everyone to be happy, those aren't the type of people you want in your precious lifetime. 
I say this to a lot of people, but, if people end up in your past, they probably deserve to be there.
I plead for you to follow what makes you happy. It may not seem like the path of joy right now, but eventually you will find people who value you and love you for who you are, and will treat you like a gift. (I know I would!)
I have found that friendship is very special. Especially true friendship.
A friendship where you can EASILY depend on each other and know that your friendship can last through anything. True friends will understand each other no matter what kind of changes happen.
Feeling like the 3rd wheel sucks, I know. But there should never be a 3rd wheel in a friendship. Friends aren't exclusive couples! You can have TONS of friends!
Third wheels shouldn't apply here. Friendship is equal and happy and there are no wheels. Just people who care about each other.
Taking my advice, consider your own self-dignity first. That is precious.
Letting people go who make you feel bad is necessary to your growth into a good person. 
Try to work it out, and if it does't, shrug it off and let them go. Make new friends who will give you a happy and supported feeling.

A few years ago, I had a hard time letting go of my friend group. I thought that letting them go would be the end of the world.
But no! I had some tough times, but then I found precious people that I treasure with my whole heart. Just as I treasure you!
I bet you 1,000,000,000 dollars that you will find that happiness to. It just takes brave steps to get there.
You are brave, confident, and know you deserve better, right? My love, I know you deserve better.
You are your own person who knows what you need and how you feel. Your life is your OWN life, and who you put in it is entirely up to you.
Take my advice and know you are worth so much more than this, and deserve so much better.
They have no right to make you feel that way, and i know it hurts. I know it is pent up.
I know you've probably let your self obsess over this, I did too.
But I believe in you and your happiness. It will come with time and strength.


Do what you think of right, and make good choices.
Just remember that I will always believe in you.

I love you, my dear! Good Luck!

-Kellie :)


- wanna send me a question? Ask me on my Instagram: (@mitsukrispy) or anonymously on ask.fm: (@MitsukiAkiro). I will do my best to help you, love!
Bye! <3

New Series: A Slice of Advice with Kellie! :)

Hello Everyone! 

So I have been inspired to begin a a series called: A Slice of Advice. -with me, Kellie! :) 

I get a lot of different questions from you guys, anonymous and not, on my instagram and my ask.fm.
While these are both places I could answer your questions, I think that sharing my advice on my blog could reach more people. Maybe people who can relate.
So this new program i'm doing will just be me, posting your questions on here and giving my slice of advice and what I think. (All questions will be posted with utmost anonymity) 
 I'm no genius, nor am i a miracle worker, but I will try my best to ease your worries.
Growing up is hard, and I know this. Therefore, I would do anything to make the sailing a little smoother.

So, if you need advice, feel free to message me on:
INSTAGRAM: (@mitsukrispy)
ASK.FM: (@MitsukiAkiro) (which you can do anonymously.)

Please don't be afraid to ask. I will try in any way I can to answer your questions.
I may not know all the answers, but I learn a little more everyday and I will use every scrap of that knowledge to help you.

First Advice Post coming tomorrow. Theme? Friendship!

Till Tomorrow! :) 
-Krispy 

supporting you

"In the lights of bad news, 

proceed on bravely with a high chin.

You face the sky, 

rather than the abyss below you.

Walk quickly, with strength, with power.

Walk so fast that when you're done, 

the chasm will have ended,

and the ground will reappear beneath you..."

"-because every trench must end, or it would not be a trench at all."

For someone very dear to me, stay strong my lovely friend.

❤

Guess Who's On Break?! :D

I am FREE.

Nothing compares to that feeling of having NO work, NO responsibilities, and just FREEDOM.

I just had 7 different tests this week, and I am really happy about being able to take a BREAK. 

Just wanted to drop by and just record the utter bliss i feel right now.

I feel so relieved I could melt.

To whoever is not (yet) on break, I would like to wish you good luck. YOU CAN DO IT. 

Whatever you're stressed about, breath it out.

Remember to live life in THIS very second! Every second is new.

I hope you guys have a great day :) 

More posts coming your way!

Never the End. ❤

Hey guys! So a couple months ago, i was feeling very stressed and down, and so I decided to write a post about the stresses and struggles of being a student, and how many ask me to give advice.
I suppose I just never got around to posting it, so it was saved as a draft.
I hope this post helps you in any way possible, and remember you can always ask for my advice.

Enjoy! (quite a lengthy post. When did I find the time?)

(not proof-readed. beware.) 

-

-You know, i'm always getting questions from people on ask.fm who need advice about high school. They struggle with friends, schoolwork, pressure. They are describing the hell that almost everyone has known at some point.
At first i answered them with practical answers, and tried my best to sound like i knew what i was talking about. But being very honest...
I'm there too. I can't give real advice because its not over for me yet. I'm still right there in the middle of it all, shoving my way through with all the strength i can muster.
I was sitting around doing homework today, and suddenly I was inspired to write this post.
Thoughts waved through my head, and the ocean i though eternally deep fell even deeper.
Thinking about the pain and the struggle i've went through makes me hurt so bad.
Thinking about the pain others had to endure and why makes me hurt even worse.
Everyone around me, my peers, they see high school as the most important time of their life. School and education, formalities and rules... that is all we've ever known. We're considered the lucky ones.
Ever since primary school, the concept of classes and staying at an institution for 6 hours a day has always scared the crap out of me. It feels like i am trapped here, with so many more things to see just blocks away.
I used to watched the cars on the other side of the school walls drive by and occasionally i would hear music blast through their windows. Watching them come and go made me feel so much heartache. I wanted them to take me with them. I wanted to see everything there was to see, and i felt like leaving was escape. 
The reason for this is because i've never fit in.
I've tried. Tried so hard to just become part of the amoeba that was my school's community.
I was never outcasted, never hated. Never intentionally hurt, and never ignored.
But it gets lonely. Not being the one who gets to speak.
I've ALWAYS loved making people laugh, and since growing up i've lost the confidence to do that.
But every time a friend laughs at a joke i make, it makes me so unbelievably happy.

It gets lonely. Feeling that way.
Feeling like theres no true backbone for you to lean on.
Thinking of this harboring feeling i've had for so long makes me hurt the absolute most. More than anything. It made me feel like crap, and i felt like if i disappeared all that would happen is the class number would go down.
Thats when i found this blog. I found a way to express who i was and what i believed in without stuttering, or waiting for confirmation. People read if they wanted to and if they didn't i didn't give a crap. I wrote what i felt, and i let it go out there.

Thinking of all these things... i came up with this new process of thought.
I finally believe that now, i have real advice. Words that could really help. Words that would have helped me.

Stop caring what others think.
Stop thinking high school is the beginning and the end.
Stop thinking anything is over. Nothing is ever over.
Start living in the moment. Put yourself before anything else.
Stop criticizing yourself for something you don't control.

What's wrong with the school system is that its grade based. Its literally listed out A B C D F.
But life isn't like that. Not the real world.
Grades do not determine how smart you are, and parents who think it does are sadly mistaken.
Life doesn't follow a grading rubric, and when you realize that, some pressure will lift off your shoulders.
The school teaches us that if we don't conform, we will never succeed. We will fall behind.
You go from A,
to B,
to C,
to D,
and then F. Thats what you would call the end.
This brings me to my next point.
NOTHING IS EVER OVER.
No matter how terrible your day was, and whatever happened, the day is going to keep going.
The hours will pass by regardless of if you passed that test of not.
A rejection letter from a college doesn't have the power to stop time either.
Each minute is precious.
Heres something I came up with: you know how we count down to the new year?
Why not count down to a new day?
Everyday is a fresh start. It could be the beginning to anything you want.
The concept of starting fresh could really lift your spirits.
We celebrate a new year; why is a new day any different?
Start everyday thinking thats the first day of the rest of your life. No matter how cheesy that sounds, i don't care. It makes sense.
_

-and that's where I stopped writing. I suppose I never got back to it, but I think all the things I already wrote are substantial to getting my point across.
It's nearing the time when college acceptances and rejection are being sent out.
Seeing the stress of my senior friends and peers is painful for me, because the ongoing pressure they must feel must unbearable.

So, keeping my words in mind, go forward with each day looking at the world with a fresh set of eyes.
Forget about the past. It's not gonna come back for you.
Take each step bravely.

I totally believe in all your abilities to pursue what you have dreamt to do. Or what you may dream of doing someday.

Chase Happiness, Not Success.

Stay bright, my lovely people.


-Krispy ❤

Back Again! :)

Why HellOOOO everyone!

God bless the existence of spring breaks, so I can come back to catch up with all of you!
To be quite honest, for a while i lost the motivation to post on this lovely blog, because the weight of schoolwork and life work and stress, it all pushes me down.
But I'm starting yet another new chapter in my life, ready to pursue my dreams and prioritize the success and happiness of my life.

Many of you precious people sent me messages, telling me to keep going with this.
That I worked way too hard on this blog to give up now, and i believe that too.

I am excited to turn a new leaf, and revamp my content.
So here's what I want:

Either here or on my Instagram (@mitsukrispy), tell me what i should post!
What kind of content do YOU want to see from me? Tutorials? Life Posts/Vlogs? Anything!

Let me know what kind of posts and what sort of things you would enjoy looking into on a lazy day when you venture on to my blog.

Another thing, 
I really want you all to think of my blog as a safe place.
As a woman with severe anxiety, I sometimes don't like being in certain situations, and sometimes I panic a little bit. I have times when I am extremely uncomfortable in public, even at home.
So when you're feeling upset or anxious or ANY kind of way, stop by my blog and read. Calm your mind.
Make it a safe haven because that is what i truly want from this.
Just read and remember you can talk to me, ask me anything, or tell me anything.
Along with a blog of fashion, I also have ears to listen to you, and a shoulder for you to cry on.

-and with that, I would like to send you off with a, "see you later!", and a little wave.
I promise i'll see you soon. ❤ 

Take a look at your clouds today. What do you see?